If I’m being honest, I don’t know where to start this. Perhaps that’s okay. I think our lives are a work in progress, and not knowing what part of that we are in is perfectly alright.
I guess I could say it all started around the age of 14. My health began spiraling out of control, and I felt at a loss of what to do with myself in ways I never encountered before. You see, my life was never what one might call normal, and more often than not it ended up far from it. Read More
When I was preparing for college, my support team was concerned I might relapse into old habits of restricting and over-exercise. At the time, I didn’t see my recovery as fragile and I didn’t see much of a chance of going back to my old ways after nearly two years of recovery. While I didn’t relapse, I did have more struggles than I thought I would, and it was far from easy. Read More
In March I honored a recovery anniversary. I hope it is one of many to come. As I celebrate this day of moving forward, I want to pause and take a small glance at what this last year has been like.
What was the difference between being new in recovery and living daily in this life of recovery? The main difference is in the way in which the story has been told.
When I was new in recovery, there were certain thoughts manifesting themselves into belief. Hopelessness seemed to be a powerful security blanket unable to bring comfort. Powerlessness was a crutch lending not a shred of support. Weakness was a world of callous bygones. For each of these, I was left with no sense of direction, no sense of purpose. Read More
Sometimes I pretend nothing is wrong, when inside I’m boiling with anger because my co-workers don’t think exactly the way I think or behave the way I want them to behave. Or my heart is aching because I saw a photo on Facebook of him and a girl who is not Laura MacKinnon and then I made up a story about how he has never ever liked me and lied to me the whole time we’ve been seeing each other. Jeez. Didn’t he read the dating contract? This action clearly violates number 53b.
All joking aside, I’ve done this more frequently than I care to admit.
This doesn’t work. At all. Not only am I hurting myself, I am hurting all the people around me who I miss out on knowing and sharing experiences with because I’m too busy saying nasty things to myself or about other people in my head.
So I ask myself, what could I say to myself as the wise, confident woman I know I can be — speaking to the white-blonde, chubby-cheeked, tie-dye-shirted child I used to be and sometimes still am? My mom always said “be your own best friend.” So here we go… Read More
A binge is a failure, therefore I am a failure. At least, that’s what I used to think.
As a young woman who’s struggled with Binge Eating Disorder (BED), I spent more nights than I care to remember hiding from the world. Eventually, my friends dwindled down until all I had were the packages of cookies, bags of chips, and cartons of ice cream I ate night after night. My binges allowed me to disconnect from my emotions temporarily, though the numbing effect was brief.
Whatever kind of high I felt during a binge, the low that inevitably followed was always more intense. I would be overcome with feelings of failure, regret, and disgust. What’s worse, I carried these feelings and self-judgments around with me. I just couldn’t shake them. Read More
Today, I’m no longer ashamed of who I was, because I am confident in who I am now. This is my story, and I’m adding to it daily. I’m adding to it from now and for always, free of shame.
Somehow, I rose up out of the ditch I dug myself and found the person I love to be. I found the girl who will never wear a fake smile again.
Being small and invisible is no way to live and is by no means an accomplishment. It is our birthright, our purpose, to take up space in this world.
We believe Freedom is not found only through “full recovery”; freedom is found once you are able to separate yourself from the lies, the shame, and the secrecy that have held you captive, whether that be your addiction, ED voice, depression, anxiety…