Me with my nursing family in our first year of university (2008) – the people who’ve kept me sane through all the exams and enemas!”

Unresolved conflict can lead to days, if not weeks and months of anxiety, fearing the truth, fearing the person, and avoiding all sorts of social situations. So although it may seem daunting at first, confronting the person in the right manner eases anxiety – and usually clears up misunderstandings.

Resolving Conflict and Establishing Healthy Boundaries

Safe to say I think we’ve all experienced some sort of fulfilling friendships in our lifetime where we’ve found somebody we bond with, share life experiences with, and can truly be ourselves with – even if only for a short while. Unfortunately, sometimes, these friendships can go south (in a number of ways…) and you’re left in the aftermath cocktail of drama, deceit, and hurt.

Using Non-Violent Communication Techniques (according to Marshall Rosenberg)…

When conflict arises, it’s easy to run the opposite way, or delete a number in the heat of the moment, but this isn’t always the best option for everybody’s mental health – most importantly, yours. Unresolved conflict can lead to days, if not weeks and months of anxiety, fearing the truth, fearing the person, and avoiding all sorts of social situations. So although it may seem daunting at first, confronting the person in the right manner eases anxiety – and usually clears up misunderstandings.

The following section is based on Marshall Rosenberg’s theories in his book Nonviolent Communication a Language of Life –highly recommended if you’re interested in more on the subject, or just want to learn how to communicate better in both professional and personal relationships!

He discusses two forms of honesty. In one, the focus is on “you” as in pointing all the things the other person has done wrong, and what things you demand of them. The second form, or authentic form, involves expressing what is going on with “me” as in what I am observing or feeling, and what my needs are.

When something isn’t working for you, Rosenberg discusses a 4 step style model to recognizing and working through the conflict:

1. You observe what’s not working.
2. You express what it is you’re feeling about that observation/situation.
3. Describe your unmet need resulting in those feelings.
4. Request, suggest, or facilitate a way for those needs to be met.

Observing and recanting a situation without judgement allows the other person to respond to clarity, not subjective ideas (i.e. “she wears jeans” versus “she wears some trashy, designer jeans.”).

Hypothetically speaking, say your roommate is constantly discussing her workout routine in a way you find triggering…
“I see you’ve been running a lot of kilometers lately (observation). Do you think we could work on a healthy lifestyle together? (request) I feel uncomfortable and stressed when I hear about the time you put into a workout (feeling). Maybe we could support each other in reaching reasonable, healthy goals through positive discussion (your needs).”

Now obviously not everybody speaks so formally, or scripted. However, if you follow this general model when trying to address conflict with a friend, it usually dissolves a lot of the anger and allows you to look at the situation for exactly what it is. If this method of non-violent communication is unsuccessful, sometimes it’s necessary to move on to other means to protect your own mental health.

Strong Boundaries for Powerful Situations…

Thankfully, technology has provided us with healthy ways to create boundaries around triggering situations.

If you’re friends with the person on Facebook, you can edit how they interact with you via your privacy settings, under ‘restricted profile’ options. If you find it difficult to see them in your news feed, you can move your mouse over their name and there’s a small arrow that appears along the line above their update, and through that you can see a list of options. Among these options is the ability to limit how much (if it all) they appear in your news feed. Sometimes, given drastic enough situations you can always (dun dun duuuun…) ‘unfriend’ them. This is done by visiting their profile, and clicking on the button on the top right beneath their cover photo where it says ‘friends’ (don’t worry, they won’t be notified, but may realize if they try to contact you in the future).

To protect yourself further, if you’d prefer to keep your life private from them, you can block them, in which case they can’t view your profile or any of your other activity on mutual pages. In saying all this, I’ve found it best to keep public privacy settings fairly strict, to avoid Facebook conflict in the first place. It only took a few awkward messages from complete strangers to change my settings to ‘friends only’ in terms of messaging!

Another great resource for those with smartphones, is contact blocking apps. Most North American phone companies will charge a small monthly fee to establish contact blocking through their services if you’re not on a smartphone (for example, if you’re on Bell, you can call customer service and arrange this for $5/month). After some research, I ended up finding a great app (free too!) which I installed on my phone (a Samsung galaxy s3). It’s called ‘Extreme Call Blocker’ with a blue shield icon. It has a large number of options and optimum security features. At the most extreme, you can set it so that a certain contact’s texts can’t even reach your inbox, and if they attempt calling it won’t even allow the phone to ring or reach voicemail. You can tweak these settings to varying degrees for each contact on your ‘black list’ (there’s even a setting where you can just block that person for certain hours). On the other side of things, it allows what they call a ‘white list’ which is a list of contacts you can add so that their calls are never blocked, and their number can’t be deleted. It’s operated perfectly on the settings I’ve chosen for my phone thus far.

When Parents Become Involved...

Parents are typically the most influential relationship we have growing up, but they don’t always set the best example, or can even become enablers. If you’re dealing with a situation similar to the one depicted in this video, it’s important to seek outside help. Everybody has the right to a healthy upbringing. Seeing a counsellor can really help you determine the core issues, and they can provide specific, local resources. High school counsellors are especially good with helping teens, when it can be extremely unhealthy being stuck in the same environment as your parents.

If you’re in a situation that’s endangering your health/life, don’t hesitate to contact law enforcement. This can often be the first step in getting involved with a good social worker. If you’re struggling to have a trusting, beneficial relationship with your parents, programs like Big Brother/Big Sister (click here to see how to register as a ‘little’, or follow other links on the site if you’re interested in volunteering as a ‘big’) can be a great resource, or even just scheduling time to have coffee with a trusting adult/mentor. If you’re a teen I would encourage you to become involved with a local youth group. It can be a more casual setting where you can seek help from the youth leaders in the group – they should be connected with community resources – escape from an unhealthy home environment a few times a week, and you can build lasting friendships with people you may never have encountered in other environments. If you’re shy, or unsure how to approach the topic with other adults, you can call the Kid’s Help Phone (within Canada) at 1-800-668-6868 or visit their website at www.kidshelpphone.ca.

As a young adult, parents can sometimes start to trust their kids with more information, and it becomes overwhelming or inappropriate. Have the discussion with your parents that you want to be there to help them and share with them, but you find it stressful and it can become too much when they share all their problems with you – establish exactly what you’re okay and not okay with. It’s up to each individual what sort of relationship they can handle with their parents – I have some friends who are best friends with their mom and dad, and others who work very hard at keeping an emotional distance.

Some relationships can go the opposite way, where parents continue to shelter and baby their children (I believe this is a life-long struggle…) in which the same conversation is warranted. As long as the decisions you’re making are for the greater emotional and mental health of yourself. Again, counselling is always a positive decision if you need help determining your boundaries, and why.

When YOU’RE the support system…

If you find yourself being the main support for a friend going through hard circumstances, here’s some tips on how to handle the situation…

• Don’t ignore it or downplay their feelings. Take the time to listen, encourage them to talk it through, and clarify what they’re saying to you.
• Know your own boundaries and keep yourself in check. Don’t force your opinions on them, or begin trying to relate by hashing over your own dramas. Be compassionate and respectful.
• Educate yourself on resources to help your friend. Usually a health and wellness adviser from a school can assist with this, or point them towards an appropriate form of counselling.
• Be honest with your friend, and protect their shared information. Meet them at their level, and work with them on a plan to get to a better place (physically or emotionally), make sure they know they have your support.
• Don’t carry the burden alone. There are resources you can share with your friend and encourage them to use. If you become overwhelmed, seek out advice from a professional.

There’s a number of great resources listed on our site under different categories you could share with your friend in need. If you don’t quite find what you’re looking for, please don’t hesitate to contact me (I hunt down a lot of the resources here at Libero!) and we can do the ground work together.

Now, go non-violently communicate

In the United States, a woman is assaulted or beaten every nine seconds, and appallingly, more than three women are murdered by their partners every single day. Studies conducted by The National Institute of Justice and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention show that close to 25% of women are subjected to at least one physical assault in their lifetime by a partner or spouse. That is why it is not surprising that domestic violence is identified as the leading cause of injury among women between 15 to 44 years old. That is more than road accidents, rape incidents, and muggings combined.

What are the key signs of an abusive relationship?

Domestic violence is not a single, isolated event, but rather a pattern of repetitive abusive episodes carried out through multiple tactics. The forms of violence include a wide variation of coercive behaviors that can result to varied consequences.

Abusive relationships exhibit many signs. The most telling thereof is an intense fear of your partner. When you are constantly walking on eggshells and watching what you say and do to avoid flare-ups, chances are you are in an unhealthy and abusive relationship. Other signs include a partner who is dominant, controlling, and intimidating, and a partner who drives you to feelings of self-loathing, depression, and utter desperation.

How do victims cope?

Domestic violence is a traumatic experience that leads individuals to develop coping mechanisms in order to get by. Sometimes these coping strategies are the only ways that victims survive.

Some women in abusive relationships tend to turn off their emotional reactions, in order to keep themselves from experiencing things that are too intense for them to handle. Emotional numbing might be a helpful mechanism, but it can develop into a habit in the long run and victims can lose the ability to feel. It prevents them from experiencing their current emotions thereby losing any opportunity of dealing with their feelings and releasing negative sentiments and beliefs.

Why do victims stay?

Women who endure being in abusive relationships are sometimes looked down upon by society and there is some shame felt by the women being abused. People don’t understand that these women don’t stay with their abusive partners because they find it enjoyable or acceptable, but rather because of fear that when caught, all attempts of leaving will eventually fail. And since abused women are often isolated from friends and family members, they fear that nobody would be there to help them get out of the relationship. They have also been programmed by their abusive partners that all troubles in the relationship are their fault, therefore making them carry the burden of guilt. Other factors that can stop victims from leaving are religious beliefs and financial dependency.

Seeking Help

Today, social workers can provide victims of domestic violence some light at the end of the dark tunnels they are living in. Social workers provide a multitude of services to domestic violence victims, such as counseling, shelter programs, court advocacy, and efforts on social justice community organizing to prevent the occurrence of domestic violence in the first place. Social workers also offer services to perpetrators of domestic violence by engaging them in voluntary mandated batterer intervention programs. Since social workers are professionals dedicated to social justice and wellness, domestic violence fits right into their scope of expertise.

Domestic violence has a profound effect on all its victims. The situation becomes even more heartbreaking when the victim is your loved one. Oftentimes, your effort to reach out and help will be met with indifference. However, don’t let this reaction deceive you to think that your help is unwanted.

Continue to make victims of abuse feel that you will be there for them no matter what decision they make.

About the author:

Tri has experience working with women who have gone through sexual trauma. If you are interested in helping women through domestic abuse, consider becoming a social worker. Find out how at Social Worker Data.

I was recently listening to Demi Lovato’s song “For the Love of a Daughter”, in which she talks about growing up with an alcoholic father, and expresses her childhood plea that her dad “put the bottle down – for the love of a daughter”. Listening to this song got me thinking about the impacts that parents’ choices have on their children’s lives, both short- and long-term.

As those of you who have read my posts before know, I have had my fair share of unhealthy relationships (read this and this) and though I’ve made the decision to look to healthier relationships in the future for the sake of my life, and I encourage others to do the same, I’ve never considered how this choice should also be done for the sake of one’s future children as well.

See there are many factors that can contribute to one staying in an abusive or unhealthy relationship such as having a lack of self-love, or a tendency to pursue self-harm (as being drawn to and staying with someone who is emotionally or verbally abusive is, in some cases a form of self-harm), or the simple ‘fear of being alone’; so if we talk about choosing different types of men – men with character who respect rather than abuse us – for the sake of ourselves, then if these factors are still very much a part of who we are, there will be no desire to pursue healthier relationships – because we aren’t looking out for ‘our own sake’.

And when it comes to being in relationship with someone who abuses alcohol (or any other substance) or has anger issues and shows no genuine care to change, one might think “Well I can live with that, I can handle him. I’d rather be with ‘drunk’ him, than not be with him at all .” But what we seem to forget is that when we are choosing the men we date, who in turn may become the men we marry, we are not only choosing our husbands, but we are choosing the father of our children.

So ten, twenty, thirty years after the wedding day, his anger issues or his drinking problems are not just a part of your life now, but they are a part of your children’s lives, too.

And we hear countless stories and songs of the impact that a father’s ‘issues’ and behaviours can have on his children – whether it be in Demi Lovato’s “For the Love of a Daughter“, or in Christina Aguilera’s “I’m OK“, or (because fathers aren’t the only potential ‘bad guys’; mothers can also have their issues), Kelly Clarkson’s “Because of You“. Don’t let these songs be the songs of your children.

And so I encourage you to assess the types of relationships you enter into. Look at the men (or women) you date, and when you envision your future with him/her, don’t just base your decision on what you think you can ‘handle’ or what you think is OK for your life, instead, remember your future children as well. Because you aren’t just choosing your husband, you are choosing their father. 

So before you rush into marrying him, before you ignore the concern of your family/friends, and before you sweep the issues under the rug, think twice about who you are marrying – For the love of a daughter.

♥ Lauren Bersaglio

A challenge for the month!

Control: the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.

For some reason this week the word control has been echoing in my head. It got me thinking… What is a healthy level of control? When does it become unhealthy?

I began trying to answer these questions by looking at the control in my life, at present and in my past. I then split the two into columns and wrote underneath the bad vs. the good control:

The Bad: After living through traumatic events as a child, I lost all control around me. That was the main reason for me to start controlling my food and plunging into a dark world of eating disorders. The history of control in my life continues with the fact that I was in an abusive relationship not too long ago in which my ex controlled what I ate, wore, and did. My strict upbringing also forced several walls around me that did not allow me to be myself; in a sense, the walls controlled what I became.

The Good: The first that comes to mind is the control of bad habits; I, for instance, struggle daily to control my compulsiveness to shop online and spend money I definitely do not have! Other good forms of control are making sure you are healthy, staying in shape (health-focused not appearance-focused, of course!), managing stress, etc…

By listing all of the unhealthy and healthy levels of control in my life, it clarified my situation and the environment I am living in. It also allowed me to realize that control does have the ability to lead to abuse. Everything in our lives that we control or that others control can be easily tipped towards the unhealthy as easily as it can towards the healthy. The one thing I learned from doing this list is that it allowed me to recognize the unhealthy and the healthy.

I challenge you to sit-down and make an unhealthy vs. healthy control list. When there are more things on your unhealthy side, take steps to reduce the control or ask for help in doing so.  And, for all the things that can be called ‘healthy control’, keep yourself accountable so that they will not fall into the unhealthy zone.

Part 2: Beyond Vampires and Werewolves

On August 5, 2010 both Eminem and Rihanna fans alike tuned into MTV to watch the premiere of the “Love the Way You Lie” music video. The video begins with Rihanna’s singing in A Capella:

“Just gonna stand there and watch me burn / But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts / Just gonna stand there and hear me cry / But that’s alright because I love the way you lie / I love the way you lie…”

Rihanna is then followed by a violent-sounding Eminem (what’s new) spewing off:

“It’s so insane cause when it’s going good, it’s going great / I’m Superman with the wind at his back, she’s Lois Lane / But when it’s bad it’s awful, I feel so ashamed I snapped / Who’s that dude? I don’t even know his name / I laid hands on her, I’ll never stoop so low again / I guess I don’t know my own strength…”

But surprisingly it is not what we hear in the first two minutes of the video that is most surprising, but what we see. The scene begins with a couple in bed; the young woman wakes up to find the phone number and name of another woman written on her boyfriend’s hand. This turns into a fight, which involves both parties violently grabbing and shoving each other as they storm around the house. At one point the man has the woman pinned to the wall and throws a punch, strategically hitting the wall – right next to her head. Then both parties stop and transition into passionately kissing one another.

Yes, that is what really happens.

The lyrics of the song continue down the same path as with the beginning of the song, with Eminem spewing off violent words (“You push, pull each other’s hair, scratch, claw, hit ‘em / Throw ‘em down, pin ‘em / So lost in the moments when you’re in them”) partnered with his plans to ‘change’ (“Next time I’m pissed, I’ll aim my fist at the drywall”) and ending with a threat (“If she ever tries to f*cking leave again Im’a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire”), and Rihanna responding with how much she “loves the way he lies”.

Now that’s true love, right?

Rihanna’s Monster

Rewind only a year and a half earlier and we see this picture released by TMZ of a battered Rihanna with bruises and cuts all over her face after a violent assault from her then-boyfriend, fellow R&B star Chris Brown.

The assault began as an altercation between the couple while driving to a pre-party on the night of the 2009 Grammy awards. Rihanna found text messages on Brown’s phone from another girl, and this caused an argument between the two of them. The argument quickly became violent. According to the Police Report, this is what happened next:

 “Brown pulled the vehicle over on an unknown street, reached over Robyn F. [Rihanna] with his right hand, opened the car door and attempted to force her out…. When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against the passenger window of the vehicle, causing an approximate one-inch raised circular contusion… [Brown] continued to punch her in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand. The assault caused Robyn F.’s mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle….[Rihanna] reached up with her left hand and began attempting to gouge his eyes in an attempt to free herself. Brown bit her left ring and middle fingers and then released her…”

The assault continued until Rihanna managed to push Chris Brown off of her and began screaming, at which point Brown left the vehicle. A resident of the area heard Rihanna’s screams and called 911, and the police arrived on the scene.

Fast-forward and we see a poised, yet clearly shaken, Rihanna speaking on ABC’s 20/20 about her relationship with Brown and the assault that took place: “He was definitely my first big love. We were best friends, so we fell in love with each other. To fall in love with your best friend it’s – it can be scary….the more in love we became, the more dangerous we became for each other…because it was a bit of an obsession” – sound familiar? (Only this time, there is no ‘but he’s a vampire’ defense).

Rihanna knew that her celebrity put her in a position of influence over millions of girls, and this is why she chose not to return to Brown again; she says, “When I realized that my selfish decision for love could result in some young girl getting killed, I could not be easy with that part. I couldn’t be held responsible for going back. Even if Chris never hit me again, who is to say that their boyfriend won’t? Who’s to say that they won’t kill these girls? And these are young girls and I just didn’t realize how much of an impact I had on these girls’ lives until that happened“.

You can’t help but respect Rihanna for that.

Brown, however, didn’t do such a good job at representing himself after the assault. Offering a nice addition to his resume was his violent outburst in the ABC studio in March 2011. Following an interview on Good Morning America, in which his not-so-glamorous past with Rihanna was brought up, Brown was said to have lost control in his dressing room, throwing a chair at the window and shattering it. He then took off (or ‘ripped off’ as more dramatic reports describe) his shirt and left the studio – storming through the streets of New York angry and shirtless. Clearly, he must be on ‘Team Jacob’, and not ‘Team Edward’), because storming through the streets in a bitter rage with no shirt on is, after all, a werewolf’s specialty.

 The Media Impact

Fast-forward again to the 2012 Grammy Awards (three years after the Brown/Rihanna assault) and Chris Brown has emerged from the shadows and even got the chance to perform. But more upsetting than the welcoming of Brown back into the spotlight was the public’s response to his ‘comeback’. Twitter was all ‘a-flutter’ with teenage girls Tweeting things like: “Call me crazy butttt I would let Chris Brown beat me up anyyy day” and “Dude, Chris Brown can punch me in the face as much as he wants to, just as long as he kisses it (:” (Buzzfeed.com).

I wonder where these girls learned to accept abuse, and even glorify it? Surely it wasn’t the media and films like Twilight that influenced this…

The Link

Can we say that watching Twilight will make a girl enter into an abusive relationship? No. And can we say that watching a music video that promotes a passionate, yet obsessive and violent relationship will cause girls to seek out an abusive relationship? Possibly, but most likely not directly. What we can say is there is a link – a link between teenage girls watching movies like Twilight and music videos like “Love the Way You Lie” and then tweeting “Chris Brown could serenade me and then punch me in the eye. I’m down for it”.

The problem is not so much that these movies and these songs directly cause girls to become victims and to seek out abusive relationships; the problem is that these messages desensitize young girls towards abuse and give a false impression of what love and relationships are supposed to be. They shift realities and offer blurred messages that can have frightening and even deadly consequences. It is not unlike the effects that Photo-shopped images have on a girl’s (or guy’s) self-esteem – they may not directly cause body image issues and eating disorders, but they definitely alter our expectations and understanding of reality in a harmful way. This cannot be denied.

But what can we do about it?

The first step, as with anything, is to educate ourselves as consumers; it is important that we maintain a critical eye (and ear) and that we don’t allow ourselves to become desensitized towards abuse.

More importantly, we need to protect our definition of love. In this course we were asked to read Who Gets to Narrate the World by Robert E. Webber. In this book, Webber talks about the ‘loss of the Christian narrative’ and how in order for us to stand a chance we must regain that narrative. I think the same applies here. We are losing our ‘love’ narrative and we are losing it to the media. The media is trying to redefine our definition. In order for us to regain control we must, as Webber suggests, ‘regain our narrative’ and defend it – clinging to it with all that we have. The Bible is the Love narrative (1 Corinthians 13 offers the perfect definition) and so we need to regain this and hold onto it and not let the media (or anything else) redefine it. Then, and only then, will we stand a chance against the monsters.

The End.

“Women are mesmerized by the forbidden relationship, the exciting stranger who radiates danger and yet seems vulnerable and wounded by life. We want to crush him to our breasts and ease his pain. Simultaneously, we desire the thrill and the exhilarating sting of danger.”- Dorothy McCoy (“The Manipulative Man”)

Part 1: Romancing Monsters

On November 18, 2011 a world record was nearly broken. Bringing in $30.3 million on its midnight premiere, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 (the fourth film based on author Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series) achieved the second largest midnight gross in history. With its weekend debut hitting $139.5 million, the film came in fifth place for weekend debuts of all time. The film’s worldwide weekend total was $283.5 million and the Twilight franchise has brought in over $2 billion worldwide (Hollywood.com). 80% of the Breaking Dawn box office was generated by females, and thus, as Paul Dergarabedian, President of Hollywood.com Box Office says in his article, “It is clear that there is no further proof necessary that teenage girls can rule the box office”.

What is it exactly that is bringing these girls to the cinemas in droves? My money is not on the vicious fights between oversized wolves and blood-sucking, pale immortals. After all, I highly doubt these things appear in many 15-year old girls’ fantasies. No, it is the classic love story – the forbidden romance between a girl who is just trying to find her place in the world and a vampire who loves her so much that his desire to devour her (literally) is almost beyond his control. And then there is the added drama of the stubborn werewolf who, unlike the vampire, actually has warm blood running through his veins and who is able to kiss her without fear of turning her into his next feast. Yes, the epic Love Triangle – two strong, dashing men so passionately in love with one young girl whose only trouble is deciding which one she loves more – that is what makes up a 15-year old girl’s fantasy. And, in essence, that is what fuels the plot to this book-series-turned-film-saga sensation.

The problem is that the relationships portrayed in these films are less than desirable. We see this in both relationships that the story’s heroine, Bella Swan, has – one with Edward (the vampire) and the other with Jake (the werewolf). One might think that the shortcomings in these relationships are obvious – the two male love interests are after all, ‘monsters’; however, Edward’s thirst for blood and Jake’s tendency to get just a little angry (thus turning himself into an oversized, rabid K9) are actually the least of their problems – and the least things to be considered when analyzing the ‘health’ of the relationships in these films. The most dangerous things are the things that are less overt, and are ‘justified’ by phrases such as: ‘It’s not supposed to represent reality, the story is Fantasy’. However, when the blankets of fiction and fantasy are removed and one looks at the underlying messages that are implied by both the actions of the characters and the dynamics of their relationships, it becomes clear that the Twilight saga sends out harmful messages to young girls about relationships and the definition of ‘true love’.   

Meet Bella Swan

We first meet Bella Swan in her junior year in high school when she is moving away from her mom to go live with her dad in the small town of Forks, Washington. Based on actress Kristen Stewart’s portrayal, Bella has dark hair, dark eyes, prefers not to smile, and speaks in dispassionate monotone. She likes her red truck and doesn’t enjoy going to Prom – or any other social event, for that matter. Apart from that, we really don’t know anything else. Seeing as she is the main character – the heroine, even – you would think that we would know more about her, maybe her interests, her passions (outside of sucking face with vampires), her dreams and her goals – but that’s just it, Bella has none. And by none, I mean no hobbies, no interests, no plans. Until she meets Edward. Then her hobby becomes escaping ‘bad’ vampires, her interests turn to vampire life, and her plans are simple: become a vampire (so she can spend eternity with her ‘prince charming’). Through Bella’s lack of personal identity, we already see a young woman who is at risk of rooting her identity in someone else – namely, a man. In her book Men Who Hate Woman and the Women Who Love Them, Dr. Susan Forward says, “We have been taught since we were little girls that love is the answer. It will make everything better; all we have to do is to get a man to love us and then life will be good and we will live happily ever after” (Forward, p. 41), and through Bella we see this message being sent out to millions of young girls. In the words of Kristi Coombs in her article “The Twilight Saga — A Poor Example for Teen Romance”, “[Stephanie Meyer] completely failed her “heroine” by not allowing her to grow, develop a sense of self separate from others, or develop any real human power. To me, that is a tragic message to send to today’s young women”.

In addition to her lack of identity, we see in Bella a ‘victim’ mentality. As Coombs writes, “Bella caters to the moods, needs and whims of both Edward and Jacob. She controls and compartmentalizes her feelings, walks on eggshells so as not to upset or anger them, and does her best to avoid disappointing them”. In an article entitled “Relationship Violence in ‘Twilight’” by Wind Goodfriend, Ph.D. on Psychology Today, Goodfriend compiles a list of three characteristics that show why young Bella Swan is at risk of being “A Future Victim of Relationship Violence”. Goodfriend says, “Bella constantly reminds herself that she’s uncoordinated, unsocial, and unattractive” – and we see this throughout all four of the films. Goodfriend adds, “When Edward shows interest in her, Bella’s low self-esteem puts him in a position of power over her; he can treat her however he’d like, because she perceives that he’s out of her league and is lucky to be the dirt on the bottom of his shoe (or the blood on the bottom of his fangs, I guess)”. The second characteristic is that Bella is attracted to ‘forbidden men’. “Lovers who are not allowed, disapproved of, or are simply unattainable sometimes become even more desirable,” says Goodfriend. “Bella is thus drawn to the “bad boy” who is more likely to abuse her. Her interest in Jacob also goes up when he decides not to see her anymore”. Lastly, Bella is excited by violence – in New Moon her friend calls her an “Adrenaline Junkie”, and we see evidence of this not only in her reckless behaviour, but in her relationships as well. Goodfriend says, “When Edward tells Bella that he’ll literally kill anyone who tries to hurt her, she’s attracted to his violent nature. And, as anyone on “Team Jacob” will note, she’s only interested in Jacob after she learns that he’s a violent werewolf who might rip off her face”.

Meet Edward – The ‘Good’ Vampire

In his article Dr. Goodfriend also addresses Edward’s character, listing off three characteristics that relate Edward to an abuser. Goodfriend mentions Edward’s signs of jealousy and possessiveness, which is evident when Edward virtually stalks Bella – even showing up in her room at night to watch her sleep. In addition, he gets angry whenever he sees that she’s been spending time with Jake, and in Eclipse he even cuts the wires of her truck when he knows she is planning to go visit Jake. Another characteristic Goodfriend lists is Edward’s “use of coercion to accelerate the development of closeness”. He says, “If an abuser can get full commitment from his (or her) victim as early as possible, this basically “locks in” the victim and cuts them off from escape”. We see this in how Edward quickly moves into Bella’s life and begins monopolizing her time (to which she doesn’t object) and rushes her into marriage even when she is not ready and refuses to consider her reasons for wanting to delay it.  However, the most implicit sign of Edward’s abuse is how he isolates Bella; Goodfriend says, “One of [Edward’s] hallmark characteristics is his control over Bella and his attempts to isolate her from others. Abusers often use this tactic as a way of ensuring that their victims have no way to escape should they attempt to do so. After he decides that he wants her, he’s quick to get her alone, and for the rest of the series he constantly shields her from any other interactions, including from her father and friends”.

Susan Forward refers to this ‘isolation’ technique as one of the Misogynist’s ‘weapons’, saying, “This process often begins in a subtle, indirect, benign way” (Forward, p. 55). Forward suggests that the reason the misogynist does this is to feel safe; she says, “The misogynist must control your thoughts, your opinions, your feelings, and your behavior. Therefore, only those friends or family members that support his view of himself or his version of reality will be welcome in your lives” (Forward, p. 76). We see this in the movies when shortly after meeting Edward, Bella abandons her friends (who never were a fan of the vampire) and eventually the only people in her life are Edward and his family – she even is willing to abandon her own family, in the end, when she begs Edward to turn her into a vampire (but more on that later).

Breaking Down the Relationship

What we see developing between Bella and Edward is a relationship filled with so many unhealthy aspects coming from both parties that it’s difficult to tell who is at fault or who the ‘instigator’ is. As Forward says, “The misogynist’s jealousy and possessiveness [limit] her world, which further enhances his importance to her. It is a vicious cycle. The more dependent she becomes, the more important he becomes. The more important he is, the more she is willing to give up for him, so that there is less left in her life that is free of him” (Forward, p. 87). This process causes the victim to begin accepting the abuser’s version of the relationship – seeing him as ‘good’ and herself as ‘bad’ and believing that his actions are solely based on his desire for her to become a ‘better person’ and Forward says that once this happens, the victim has stepped into watch she calls a ‘dangerous twilight zone’ (how fitting!). She adds, “What makes this transition so destructive to her is that she actually has begun to help him to abuse her. She suspends her own good judgment, joins him in his persecution of her, and finds explanation to justify his behaviour.” (Forward, pp. 94-95). And this is where Bella Swan sits – in the Twilight Zone with her abuser.

In addition to the messages being sent about both Bella and Edward’s behaviours and the cycle of their abuse, another message that must be looked at is the addictive nature of their relationship and how it is being displayed as an example of ‘true love’. We have been told that there is no greater way to show love than to lay down your life for another; however, in Twilight this seems to be mistaken for laying down your life because of another, or, more specifically, because you cannot live without another. We see both Jake and Edward threaten to kill themselves if Bella ever leaves (which is also an abusive manipulation technique) and we see Bella essentially giving up her life (though she is really gaining an eternity of existence – just without ever being able to see her friends or family again) so she can become a vampire and spend an eternity with Edward. This is where true love crosses the line into obsession, which is where Bella and Edward reside – they are addicted to each other. “Addictive love works like any other addiction,” says Forward, “Whether it is to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or food. There is a compulsive driven need for the other person. When a woman is in an addictive love relationship, she experiences intense pain and suffering when she is deprived of her partner; she feels that she cannot live without him” (Forward, p. 87). We see this intense pain in the second film, New Moon, when Edward moves away and Bella remains in a depression for months – the scene shows Bella sitting on her couch staring out the window as the months “October” “November” “December” flash across the screen.

There is both a spoken and unspoken agreement between Bella and Edward that Forward refers to in her book; “The spoken agreement says: I love you and I want to be with you. The unspoken agreement, which comes from our deep-seated needs and fears, is far more powerful and binding. [The victim’s] part in the unspoken agreement is: my emotional security depends on your love, needs, and wishes. [The abuser’s] part of that agreement is: my emotional security depends on my being in total control” (Forward, p. 42).

The ‘Not-So-Subtle’ Messages

Not all the messages sent out in these films are as subtle as the ones mentioned above. Though some of the ‘overt’ displays of abuse are easily justified by the vampire-based storyline, if you strip away the fantasy element and look at the raw material, you will find some frightening messages. As Maria Pawlowska says in her article “A Tale of Two Bellas: Sex, Violence, and Children’s Entertainment” written for The Good Men Project, “What rubs me the wrong way about Breaking Dawn is not so much the werewolves having a go at the vampires or the vampires having a go at other vampires. Rather, it’s Edward Cullen’s aggression towards his bride. In the movie (and more so in the book) Bella is literally all in bruises after their wedding night, and she never once stops telling him that she knows it’s all because he loves her and [insert domestic violence excuse of your choice]”. Sure, in the world of vampires and werewolves, in light of their passion (and especially because of Bella’s ‘fault’ of being irresistibly desirable) the men tend to ‘lose control’ on occasion and the women end up with scars along their faces from their werewolf ex-boyfriends or, in Bella’s case, bruises all over her body, and this is all excusable because it’s ‘fantasy’; but these ‘fictional’ situations seem to parallel reality in a way that is too close for comfort. I can hear the young girls now: “He just loves me so much, like Jacob loves Bella, he just couldn’t control his temper” or “Yes it hurt, but it’s only because he is so passionate and loves me so much – he’s like the Edward to my Bella” – it’s a frightening thought.

Maybe young girls can differentiate between the two, maybe they can watch the movies and realize that though all is fair when it comes to vampire love, it is not the same in real life, but what if they can’t? Quite frankly, I don’t think that is a risk that we want to take.

I like how Linda Holmes puts it in her article on National Public Radio: “But when a saga popular with pre-adolescent girls peaks romantically on a night that leaves the heroine to wake up covered with bruises in the shape of her husband’s hands — and when that heroine then spends the morning explaining to her husband that she’s incredibly happy even though he injured her, and that it’s not his fault because she understands he couldn’t help it in light of the depth of his passion — that’s profoundly irresponsible” – and irresponsible is the only way to put it. As Goodfriend says, “The popularity of the Twilight series shows just how much attention girls are giving to the examples of lovers displayed in Edward and Bella’s world….Unfortunately, the course and characteristics of Bella’s relationship with Edward are actually templates for violence and abuse, and Twilight fans may unwittingly model a relationship that is far from healthy…. In the case of Twilight, it’s possible that the millions of screaming fans might be learning how to fall victim to a violent relationship.”

  Read Part 2: “Beyond Vampires & Werewolves”…

“When you hate, the only one that suffers is you because most of the people you hate don’t know it and the rest don’t care.” (The Ghosts of Mississippi)

Hatred. It’s such a powerful word. So often after we find ourselves hurt by another person we quickly jump to ‘hating’ them – I believe this is a survival tactic. See, if we hate them, then we don’t have to feel any sadness over ‘losing’ them or over the fact that they have disrespected us. It’s the easiest response. Or so we think…

Hatred is like poison and it eats you up inside. Along with unforgiveness (which I believe goes hand-in-hand with hatred) it is what turns a person into a monster. I’ve quoted Nietzsche before when he says: “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.” – And there is nothing harder than living as a monster.

I used to hate people. Very easily, actually. See, back in high school I was a pretty angry person (all those hormones and that ‘teen angst’ stuff…) and so when someone hurt me, I hardened up and got mad. Very mad.

But the hatred got me nowhere. Sure, it soothed my ego for a bit – allowing me to pretend my hurt didn’t exist – but in the long-run it was exhausting. And eventually my hatred of others evolved into hatred towards myself. And those who are regular readers of my blog know very well where that led me…

Eventually I found a way to stop hating – mostly through _­­learning to forgive others and myself.

However, just because I was able to stop hating, doesn’t mean that people stopped hurting me. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to prevent the anger that comes with getting mistreated and hurt.

Then a couple of days ago I was verbally attacked by someone whom I’d previously had an incredibly hurtful relationship with. As he stood there yelling at me, I realized something: I didn’t hate him. I actually cared about him deeply. But there was still a part of me that was mad – and then I realized something else: there is a difference between hating someone, and hating how someone treated you.

See, there is nothing wrong with hating how someone treated you. It is actually healthy. You are valuable, and you deserve to be treated with respect, and when someone disrespects you, you shouldn’t be OK with it. It should make you mad – but it’s important that you differentiate between hating the person and hating the action.

Initial feelings of anger towards the person are normal; I see anger as being more of a ‘short-term’ thing. Hatred, on the other hand, is drawn-out. Anger is a feeling. Hatred is more a state of being. Hatred is to anger what joy is to happiness (but more on that in another blog…)

Hating the way someone treats you is a sign that you are respecting yourself, and that you are valuing yourself – and that is a good thing! You are standing up for yourself and saying “No! That is not OK. And I won’t accept that.”

Hating someone has nothing to do with self-respect; hating the way someone mistreated you has everything to do with self-respect.

When I was younger, I never hated the way anybody treated me – mostly because I had no concept of my own value. I didn’t hate being mistreated because I felt I deserved it. But I hated people and I hated myself.

Now I can say that I don’t hate anybody, not even this guy. But I won’t say I don’t hate the way he treated me – I respect myself too much for that.

I hope you can find a way to let your feelings of anger towards those who hurt you fade. And I hope you will find a way to hate being mistreated.

But most of all, I hope that you learn to forgive – because there is no joy in becoming a monster…

♥ Lauren Bersaglio

For those of you who are ‘in the dark’, here is a quick recap: In 2009 on the evening of the Grammy’s, Rihanna was physically attacked in her car by then boyfriend (and fellow singer) Chris Brown. After pleading guilty, Brown was sentenced to 5 years probation and six months of community service. Rihanna was less than silent over the matter – speaking publicly about it on ABC News (which resulted in a 50% increase in calls on the National Domestic Abuse Helpline) and singing songs that alluded to the relationship such as “Love the Way You Lie Pt. 2“, “Cold Case Love” and, the most explicit, “Stupid In Love“.

In her interview on ABC, Rihanna discussed returning to Chris Brown, and how this is something she would never do – because of the example it could send out to other girls. In her words: “Even if Chris never hit me again, who’s to say that these guys won’t hit these girls?” (Watch Here – Fast forward to 3:20).

Fast forward three years to the Grammys held this month (February 2012) at which Chris Brown not only attended but also performed (Rihanna was present as well). Immediately, Twitter was taken over by frightening tweets by young girls saying things like: “Call me crazy butttt I would let Chris Brown beat me up anyyy day” AND “Dude, Chris Brown can punch me in the face as much as he wants to, just as long as he kisses it (:”

WHAT THE..!?! (but I’ll get back to that…)

Then this past week was Rihanna’s birthday, and Chris Brown tweeted “HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROBYN!” (using her real name), Rihanna replied “Thanks!” and retweeted it to her fans. (sorry for those of you who don’t understand ‘twitter-lingo’!)

But it doesn’t stop there – only a few days ago, both Brown and Rihanna tweeted links to the remix of Rihanna’s song “Cake” that featured the two of them singing a duet and Rihanna is said to appear on Brown’s song “Turn Up the Music”.

Now Rihanna fans find themselves on two sides – on the one side there are the fans who are criticizing Rihanna (via Twitter) any time she posts something related to Brown, showing their disappointment and concern (some gently, others, not so much) AND on the other side are the fans who are “all for the love”! Stating their sincere longings to see the two ‘patch things up’ because they are ‘so cute’ together.

Here’s the thing: both Rihanna and Chris Brown are adults and, contrary to what many think, they are their own people, and, therefore, they are entitled to make their own choices. However, as we all know, with fame comes a lot of influence – and I can’t help but be somewhat disappointed that Rihanna doesn’t seem to be taking this quite as seriously as she did in her interview on ABC back in 2009 (mentioned above).

But at the end of the day, Rihanna is human; she says it herself in the same ABC interview:  “I’m a human being and people put me on a very unrealistic pedestal…and all these expectation – I’m not perfect”.

There are a few things we need to realize…

First of all, there is no way for us to really know what is going on – whether Rihanna and Brown have reconciled, whether they are back together, whether this is just a ‘business-thing’, and so we need to be careful to not assume realities that may not exist.

Secondly, Rihanna is, as she says, a human being. And even if she is ‘going back’ to Brown or allowing him in her life in some way, that doesn’t mean it is a good decision – it is just a choice that she is making and who knows the reasons behind it. Like I said before, it could be a ‘business’ thing, it could be an attention thing, or it could be her way of showing she’s forgiven Brown. We also cannot ignore the fact that this also could be a way of trying to ‘heal’ herself (albeit not a very good way).

In her interview on ABC she talks about how “You just want this thing to go away. This is not a memory you want to have” – and what better way to make it disappear than to act like it never happened? And when you are in denial it is easy to ‘forget’ the direness of a situation, and that could explain why talking with Brown and even working with him doesn’t seem like a bad idea to her.

I know from personal experience that when I got out of a relationship in which I was verbally and emotionally abused, I couldn’t  accept the full reality of the situation because it was too much to handle, and so I down-played it in my mind. And though at the time this kept me from completely falling apart, a few months later I found myself wondering what was so bad about the guy after all? And even considered allowing him back into my life – just ‘not as close’. It took reading an article I had written on the relationship to remind me of the reality and keep me away from him.

And, finally, we need to consider that Rihanna may just be acting from a psychologically and/or emotionally unstable position. Maybe she is a masochist. Just because they are celebrities, that doesn’t mean they are immune to the battles and the demons that we ‘normal people’ face on a daily basis.

And so, in closing, I think that we need to look at the recent Rihanna/Chris Brown events (or any other similar events, for that matter) from an educated perspective and realize that we will never really know what is going on, and even if it is the worse-case scenario, they are only human and, hence, are subject to all the normal struggles that we humans face. And we most definitely do not need to follow in their footsteps just because they are ‘Rock Stars’.

I really hope Rihanna will remind herself of the truth (the truth she talked about on ABC) and that she will accept the reality of the situation and make a healthy, safe decision.

As for her fans, we can only hope they don’t go out in search of their own “Chris Browns”.

♥Lauren Bersaglio

Last year during this time I was living in an abusive relationship.

I’m usually the last person to keep quiet when I am angry or sad; if there’s an issue I’m the first to bring it up. But, somehow, when my boyfriend at the time was verbally abusing me, I kept quiet.

This silence was oppressive.

When someone asked me last year how everything was going in my relationship, I’d always reply with: “Awesome! We’re having so much fun!”

…Every time I heard myself say this out loud I wanted to kick myself so bad! I was dying to say out loud what was going on but for some reason I kept mute.

I stayed quiet until the month I found out he was cheating on me continuously. Then anger took control over me.

Yes, when I found out, I was extremely angry with him for both his verbal and emotional abuse. However, I was also angry at myself. I knew that what I was going through wasn’t right; a voice in my head always said get help, and yet I had still allowed him to treat me that way for so long.

Was it pride? Was it fear? Was it the hope of a better future?

I’ll never know what kept me quiet for so long, all I know is that all the anger I had built up inside began to be released after the truth was exposed.

I was so mad. I took out my anger on my parents, friends, the loved ones who wanted to support me. I took the anger out at myself: I ran for ridiculously long periods of time, I starved myself as punishment, and I began to verbally abuse myself.

Instead of seeking help when I should of – I waited till the boiling point to release the anger in me. I now see that this was incredibly unhealthy.

My hope for you is this: if you are going through verbal abuse, bullying, etc…, speak up! You have a weapon against your verbal abuse and it’s your voice!

The first step to get help is to ask for it – that’s right – use your voice to ask for help. It might be the most difficult, scary and uncomfortable thing you’ll have to do but it’s so much healthier than keeping the anger built up inside. Keeping all the anger inside will cause anxiety, resentment, and you may – as I did – verbally and physically begin to take it out on yourself and the ones you love. Don’t let that happen.

If you did what I did though, find healthy ways to vent your anger. I forced myself to write everything down about what happened; I ended up writing about 50 pages! I met with my best friend every day for weeks. I talked with my Mom and Dad about it. I even called my grandma in Poland!

And after all this venting?

The anger subsided. I stopped being angry at my self; verbal abuse is never your fault, and no one deserves to be verbally abused. It’s never OK. It’s never right.

So speak up. You have a voice and you have a reason to be heard. Don’t quiet yourself, instead stand up tall, and talk to someone.

Xoxo,

Amie

When it Becomes too much to handle…

I’ll be honest: These past couple weeks have been difficult; not at all in the way I was expecting 2012 to begin.

A lot of things have been thrown my way. I’ve been put into a lot of situations I never in a million years thought I’d have to encounter. However, the most important thing is: How I reacted to it all.

A few years ago if I was put into a difficult or unexpected situation, I’d cave in on myself and bounce right back into my bad habits of anorexia, bulimia and over-exercising. I reacted badly. I didn’t believe that I had the strength to pull through.

Everyone has strength. Everyone is strong. Believing that you are not – is totally wrong.

When I was approached with a crisis, conflict, etc. I ran to what I thought would make me feel better – restricting, purging, etc.

That never made me feel better. I felt worse. I felt guilty.

I have now realized that going down that unhealthy route will never make me reach my full potential. Being unhealthy in that sense would only make me feel worse.

Now when I am faced with a crisis or conflict. I stand firmly, I remind myself that I can make it through and I tell myself to be patient because:

I am strong.

I am capable.

I am who I choose to be.

The only opinion that matters is mine.

I can do whatever I set my mind on doing.

 I will never give up.

That’s what it’s all about. Finding the strength inside yourself to help you make it through life and all of its obstacles. This strength helps you to stay healthy, motivated, optimistic and hopeful.

Now I know that regardless of what will happen: I am strong. You are strong. No one is weak. We choose to be weak but we’re not meant to be; we’re meant to fight for who we are and who we want to be.

So go look at yourself in the mirror and say: I am strong. I am beautiful. I am healthy. I am happy and I will never give up.

For me forgiveness has never been something instant or immediate, it’s always been a process.

There’s no time frame for forgiveness. Each person needs a different amount of time to forgive. However, forgiveness is important if one wants to move forward and rebuild what they have lost.

Several years ago, my family and I went through a very difficult time. A member of our family fell mentally ill and caused my family to re-evaluate our roles and learn about ourselves: the good and the bad. During this time, one of the most difficult things for us to do was to speak about our feelings towards this family member.

While my family’s difficulties were going on, I began my journey into the land of eating disorders. I soon was anorexic and struggling greatly with the need to control my surroundings while feeling hopeless and inadequate that I couldn’t help my family rebuild itself.

What were my family and I missing? What were we forgetting to do?

We needed forgiveness.

Once we came to the realization that we needed to forgive our family member, we started down a long road that led us to forgiving them.

Out of this forgiveness came love; my family members once again found themselves. We spoke openly and with self-disclosure about how we felt. We worked through our issues amongst ourselves and always worked in seeking forgiveness as the end goal. More than that, we were able to fully forgive our family member. This forgiveness we gave them as a family allowed us to rebuild our trust, reaffirm our love for one another and understand ourselves in deeper more profound ways.

From my family’s ability to forgive, I was able to forgive myself: for my actions and my wrong doings in the past. Out of this self-forgiveness, I found a meaning to my life again; no longer was I living in the fear of not being able to control the circumstances around me, instead, I was happy and determined to forgive and completely forget the wrongdoings that had happened.

Thanks to this forgiveness, I am now closer to this family member than I ever have been, and along with my family members, have helped better their life and give them the support to become even better than any one of us ever thought possible.

All of this didn’t happened instantly. This forgiveness was a long process and is still ongoing, but it is fueled by love.

One man by the name of Viktor Frankl – an Austrian-Jewish author and psychiatrist – survived the Holocaust while in Auschwitz. Frankl, instead of turning to hatred and a life filled with the need for revenge, he in turn, said that man has meaning and that meaning can only be found if one receives and gives forgiveness. Through forgiveness we not only allow the forgiven to rebuild, but we are capable of forgiving our self. If Frankl could forgive – all those who murdered and tortured him and hundreds of others – then surely we are capable of forgiving. It can be hard, but it’s never too hard. Frankl explains forgiveness the best when he says:

“The more one forgives him self – by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love – the more human he is and the more he actualizes himself.”

I hope for all those reading, that, if they are faced with someone whom they need to forgive, then to allow themselves to forgive. It may not be immediate, it may take years to heal but forgiveness is the start of healing, finding your self once more and allowing the one forgiven to do the same.

To finish off I would like to leave you with some inspirational quotes about forgiveness and a reminder, that forgiveness cannot be just a thought, it must be a feeling and action, out of love.

Mahatma Ghandi: “Forgiveness is choosing to love. It’s the first skill of self-giving love.”

Thomas Fuller: “He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; every man has need to be forgiven.”

Robert Muller: “To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love.”

With love,

Amie

Blue Eyed Boy Meets Brown Eyed Girl*

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.”- Harvey Fierstein

When I recovered from my eating disorder in 2010, what I was really doing was walking away from an abusive relationship that had haunted me for over four years; to an outsider this may not make sense, but for those who have gone through an eating disorder it is one of the most accurate ways of describing it. See, with an eating disorder comes an inner-demon, a voice inside one’s head, that is constantly whispering ridicule, lies, and invalidations, and we refer to this voice as ‘ED’. I knew that once I had recovered, ED’s voice would disappear, what I didn’t predict, however, was that when I walked away from ED I was going to walk straight into another abusive relationship, only this time my abuser would be more than just a voice – He would be living and breathing – a physical version of the inner voice that had kept me captive and terrified for years.

Background

We met at a bar. He was four years my senior and was the exact opposite of the guys I’d always gone for in the past – He had light hair, light eyes, and, most importantly, was highly intelligent. An introverted Cognitive like me, He sat quietly as the Affectives carried out conversation amongst each other. I recognized Him from a class we’d taken together, and I remembered how his intelligence had fascinated me – I couldn’t explain why, but I was drawn to him. So I took a leap, extended my hand towards him, and made first contact. Little did I know the spiralling tunnel He was about to pull me through. I willingly put on my blindfold and the dance began…

What is ‘Abuse’ Anyways?

According to Dr. Susan Forward and Joan Torres, authors of Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them, “Abuse is…any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assault” (Forward & Torres, 1987, p. 43). Verbal Abuse, according to Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship, is “more or less a constant invalidation of the partner’s reality” (Evans, p. 46).

An example of invalidation (and humiliation) would be when He and I were discussing His previous breakup – I was attempting to encourage Him, trying desperately to find the right words to bring some clarity to the situation, and His response came with a sting of bitterness and the undertone of mockery: “Thanks, self-help book”. He knew that one of the biggest parts of my life is helping those struggling with eating disorders through writing that could fit in the category of ‘self-help’ – only His way of saying it – dripping with negative connotation – in one brief sentence invalidated my values and made me feel humiliated for offering what He viewed as a juvenile attempt at encouragement.

If He let me think I had actually helped Him, that would give the impression that I possessed greater or equal power to Him; however, shooting down my attempts at influencing His feelings in that moment sent out the message that He is in control and nothing I say has value. That is verbal abuse.

Characteristics of the Abuser – Meet the Guy

Patricia Evans says, “Some abusers may be extremely overpowering and demanding, and some may be at the opposite extreme – reclusive, only occasionally demanding, but very manipulative” (Evans, p. 39). He was the latter. Somewhat of a hermit, He didn’t have much care for humans as a whole and kept to himself a lot and only rarely would He ‘blow up’ at me – however, His manipulative techniques were flawless. I believe his intelligence (which I now see as more frightening than fascinating) played a major role in this. His method of attack was gradual and calculated; He chipped away at my strength and self-esteem through “unrelenting criticism and fault-finding” (Forward & Torres, p. 46). Forward describes this form of abuse as being “particularly insidious because it is often disguised as a way of teaching the woman how to be a better person” (Forward & Torres, p. 46). And that is what kept me around – these little attacks (or ‘constructive criticisms’ as I saw them at the time) were always said ‘in my best interest’ and rather than retaliate, I loved him for it – and I admired his honesty.

From the start I’m sure He knew the power He had over me, and He used this to His advantage. He was living in what Evans refers to as “Reality I” or “Power Over”. “Power over shows up as control and dominance….Someone who believes in the Power Over expects to get what he or she wants through the use of Power Over another” (Evans, p. 27), and that is just what He did. In Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, they refer to these types of people as “controllers,” in my case, I was dealing with what they refer to as the “Manipulative Controller,” which is one who uses persuasion to remove others’ boundaries and “indirectly manipulate[s] circumstances to get [his/her] way” (Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p. 57).

“Controllers,” or those living in Reality I, have what Evans refers to as the “fear of being smothered” (or overpowered); “[he] is either overpowering or believing he is being overpowered, because in this reality there is no mutuality” (Evans, p. 32). This theory would explain the following conversation that took place over text message when He cancelled plans on me last minute:

Him: Hey, I decided I’m going to hang out with the guys tonight instead.
Me: Whatever.
Him: WTF?
Me: I just hate it when you cancel plans last minute like that.
Him: What the hell? You have no right to control how I spend my time.
Me: I’m not trying to control your time, it’s just that I didn’t make any other plans because we had plans and now you are cancelling.
Him: F*ck you I’m not going to let you guilt me like that. It’s not my fault if you don’t have other plans.
Me: I’m not trying to guilt you – the reason I don’t have other plans is because we planned to hang out.
Him: You can’t be needy like this – that’s the easiest way to push me away. You can’t get bummed if plans change – that’s attachment.
Me: I don’t mind if you want to hang out with your friends, I just don’t appreciate it when you cancel plans we’ve already made – I don’t like it when any of my friends do that. I’m sorry if you feel I am controlling your time, that wasn’t my intention.
Him:   Fine. I’m not taking that crap again, though.

Looking back on this conversation now, I see where His aggression rose from – it was more than just Him feeling I was being too ‘needy’– He thought I was attempting to gain power over Him. At the time, however, I was beside myself, wondering why I had allowed myself to lose my temper and respond to Him with “whatever” rather than be OK with the fact that He is just a person who values freedom. I felt this way because I assumed He was living in my reality, Reality II.

The View from Where I Stand – Reality II

Reality II (also known as “Personal Power”) is defined by Evans as revolving around “mutuality and co-creation” (Evans, p. 27). Evans defines mutuality as “a way of being with another person which promotes the growth and well-being of one’s self and the other person” (Evans, p. 27). In Reality II, couples acknowledge that they each make mistakes and they work together to resolve their issues and differences (Evans, pp. 33-36). This is where I thought I stood with Him. I thought that our relationship was built upon mutual respect, care, and support and I certainly did not see the possibility of Him attempting to gain Power Over. Any disagreements we had I took as result of differing values, which neither of us could hold against each other. And when He would negate my opinions or invalidate the things that were most important to me (which He did often), I simply took it as us lacking common interests or as Him misunderstanding my position (Evans, p. 32), and, in many cases, I even considered His reasoning superior to mine and would then alter my own views – slowly losing pieces of myself as I twisted to fit into his mould.

This was a game I could never win…

Crazymaking

“How can I decide what’s right
When you’re clouding up my mind?
I can’t win your losing fight all the time.
How can I ever own what’s mine
When you’re always taking sides?” – Paramore “Decode”

Each time the Abuser tells the Other that he/she is “being dramatic” or “misunderstanding” the Abuser is defining the Other’s reality, and the more the Other believes the Abuser, the more confusion the Other will experience, and, according to Evans, “This is the essence of crazymaking”, which is a form of psychological abuse (Evans, p. 55). Crazymaking involves covert and indirect verbal abuse (Evans, p. 23).

Sending mixed messages is a great example of crazymaking because it leaves the Other feeling off-guard, unsure of how the Abuser is really feeling and wondering whether he/she has down something wrong. One night I offered to pick up dinner from the store. He asked for a Caesar salad kit. I bought the one that came in a plastic container. When I got to His house I handed Him the salad and asked if it was the right one. He then asked me if the store hadn’t had the bag salad. I apologized and said that I thought He wanted this type. He assured me that it was OK, and yet He wouldn’t let it go. He knew me well enough to know that I get very upset if I do something ‘wrong’, but despite this, He spent the entire meal explaining what the bag looks like, how it is cheaper, and asking me if I was sure I hadn’t seen the bag at the store – all the while still assuring me that it was OK. His attitude didn’t seem upset, and yet His refusal to let it go made me think otherwise. So I continued to apologize whenever He commented on the difference between the two types of salads – all the while going through cartwheels in my brain wondering if He thought I was a failure at picking out salads – which His non-verbal cues dictated, or if it really was ‘OK’ as He said.

To this day I am still unsure whether He was mad or not, but one thing I do know is that He wanted to make sure I knew that I had made a mistake – chipping away at my armour piece by piece.

It is this very up and down, back and forth behaviour that drives crazymaking, and often these ‘hot and cold’ behaviours are dragged out over time – offering periods of warmth and companionship followed by hostility and aggression. What kept me around for so long was this very pattern – we would enjoy long strolls through Wal-Mart and nights spent playing Super Nintendo and watching sitcoms, and then there would be days of little or no communication, conversations filled with undercuts at my self-esteem, and random outbursts of aggression when He felt challenged. But the ‘highs’ – the video games and Bubble Tea – kept me around despite the lows – in essence, I was addicted.

As Forward explain, “The relationship provides a ‘high’ that nothing else matches – and in order to get those highs she will tolerate a great deal of abusive treatment” (Forward & Torres, p. 87). I remember being on the phone with my mom after one of the ‘lows’ and telling her, “When it’s bad, it’s terrible, but when it’s good, it’s great.” Even I knew those were loaded words, but I didn’t want to leave, and so I began to justify His actions. Forward refers to this justification as ‘collusion’; she says, “What makes [collusion] so destructive to her is that she actually has begun to help him to abuse her. She suspends her own good judgment, joins him in his persecution of her, and finds explanations to justify his behavior” (Forward & Torres, p. 95). Another part of collusion involves the Abuser convincing the Other that everything is the Other’s fault – and once she believes him, as Forward explains, “she has stepped into a dangerous twilight zone of distorted perceptions. Accepting his version of reality means she must give up hers. It’s Alice in Wonderland time” (Forward & Torres, p. 94). And the Other is most certainly not allowed “to say ‘ouch’” – as Forward points out – if he/she does, then the Abusers response is that of aggression and/or invalidation of the Other’s feelings (Forward & Torres, pp. 52-53).

I remember one of the first times I finally said ‘ouch’ – explaining how His hot and cold behavior towards me was upsetting and that His tendency to be everywhere all at once – calling, texting, hanging out – and then disappearing without a word for days or even weeks made me feel expendable, like He could take me or leave me, and how that hurt. His response: “The way my actions make you feel is your fault, and not mine.”

The Psychopath

“He will choose you, disarm you with his words, and control you with his presence. He will delight you with his wit. He will smile and deceive you, and he will scare you with his eyes.” – Dr. Robert Hare

 According to Dr. Dorothy McCoy, author of The Manipulative Man, a Psychopath tends towards the following: little remorse/guilt, promiscuity, short-term relationships, blaming others, refusal to take responsibility, deceptive behavior, sense of self-importance…the list goes on (McCoy, 2006, p. 189). All of these apply directly to Him – including the tendency for Psychopaths to be somewhat genius (McCoy, p. 190), but the two that are most fitting are refusal to take responsibility for actions and lack of empathy. McCoy says, “Because their emotions are shallow, Psychopaths cannot understand emotions in others.” (McCoy, p. 191). Both lack of empathy and refusal to admit wrong are shown in the conversation mentioned above where He could not relate to my feelings of hurt and blamed me for them rather than admitting His wrong. A Psychopath, I suppose, is not without his sense of pride.

Narcissistic Tendencies

“Self-love lies as the ground of love; but the paradoxical passion of self-love when at its highest pitch wills precisely its own downfall.” – Søren Kierkegaard

             According to McCoy, it is not uncommon for those who have psychopathic tendencies, to portray characteristics of narcissists as well (McCoy, p. 189). So what makes up a narcissist? It’s more than just pride. McCoy says, “The Narcissist embraces his false self. He must continually scheme and recreate himself to keep reality at bay. His fragile ego cannot accept less than perfection. Therefore, he reacts with rage to any suggestion, no matter how trivial, that he may be flawed” (McCoy, p. 173). A narcissist also requires a lot of validation from the Other, and once he/she no longer offers this validation, the narcissist moves on to someone else (McCoy, p. 173), which explains why He came and went as He pleased, and fell in and out of relation with me according to what suited His needs.

So Why ‘Us’?

What makes a girl fall into a relationship with a psychopathic narcissist? Well, perhaps it’s not so much that I fell into it, but that I was chosen. See, He is what Cloud and Townsend refer to as a “Controller and Nonresponsive”, and this type “gravitate[s] toward someone with blurry boundaries, who will naturally take on too many responsibilities in the relationship and who won’t complain about it” (Cloud & Townsend, p. 61) – enter Me, the Interpersonal (or, as Cloud and Townsend call it, “the Compliant Avoidant”). According to Cloud and Townsend, “Many compliant people realize too late that they’re in a dangerous or abusive relationship” (Cloud & Townsend, p. 53). Luckily for me it wasn’t too late, and I did get out of it, but it took compassionate witnesses telling me that this was not OK and I deserved better – and it took me realizing that despite the confusion in my mind I knew that I had to get out – even if all I wanted to do was stay.

Most people would think that since I’ve managed to walk away and “break free” everything is going to be OK, but I’m beginning to realize that is not the case. In the same way that with my eating disorder my eating disorder behaviours were not the problem, they were the symptom, in this relationship, me choosing to stay with Him was not the problem, it was the symptom, and just as it wasn’t about the food, it wasn’t about the guy either…

It’s Not About the Guy

It is far easier in recovery from an abusive relationship to focus on blaming the abuser rather than focus on areas in our own lives that we need to work on. In her book When Food is Love, Geneen Roth discusses this very issue; she says, “The problem with blame is that it focuses our attention on the person with whom we are dealing instead of on ourselves. The more we focus on what the other person is doing, has done, can do, to make us feel better, the less powerful we feel….But healing and growing whole eventually require focusing on ourselves and assuming responsibility for change” (Roth, When Food is Love, 1991, p. 149).

As Dr. John Townsend says in Beyond Boundaries, “When we fail to learn and heal from our past relational patterns, our past remains our present” (Townsend, 2011, p. 87). In order for me to ensure I don’t repeat this pattern, I need to work on the inner issues that made me stay in this relationship, and I need to find value in myself so that in the future I gravitate towards healthy, uplifting relationships, rather than abusive ones. But as I began this process of reflecting on what had happened – all the things He had done and said – my focus blurred and I became filled with anger.

Forgiveness

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
As I began processing the intricate details of this relationship, I became filled with anger and bitterness – I found myself turning into a monster. What does Nietzsche mean when he warns to not become a monster? Through this process I’ve discovered that the essence of a monster is lack of forgiveness – forgiveness of self, forgiveness of others, and forgiveness of God. Therefore, in order for me to move past this relationship without becoming a monster myself I must start by forgiving my abuser.

Forgiveness, however, does not require reconciliation. “Forgiveness is seen more as internal and intrapersonal, while reconciliation is interpersonal” (Rovers, 2005, p. 178). Reconciliation requires the abuser to acknowledge his fault (Rovers, p. 178), but forgiveness does not. In cases of abuse, it is important to realize that one can forgive without reconciling – you do not need the abuser’s consent in order to forgive him/her. Also, reconciliation does not mean you have to go back to the abuser – two people can find peace between each other without remaining in each other’s lives – it is important for one to guard his/her heart and not return to the abuser because it’s “the right thing to do”; one should only revisit the relationship if and when the abuser has shown drastic signs of self-awareness and change.

Forgiving Him is not the final step, though; in order for me to fully heal I must also forgive myself. This is something that is often left out of recovery; the thing inside of me that kept me from valuing myself enough to not stay in an abusive relationship was the fact that I still hadn’t forgiven myself for what I’d done through my eating disorder.  In order for me to move forward in my relationships with others and with myself, I have to forgive myself – and this is something that is long overdue.

As Geneen Roth says, “When you forgive yourself, you express an intention to work with the darkness within you…. [You express] a willingness to learn from your fragility and your fallibility instead of pretending they are not there” (Roth, Breaking Free from Emotional Eating, 2004, p. 173) – and that is the only way I can fully heal from this abusive relationship and ensure that I will not become a monster in the process.

Maybe Don Henley was right when he said that at the heart of the matter lies forgiveness (Henley, 1990).

Works Cited

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries. Grand Rapids: Zondervan.

Evans, P. (2010). The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Avon: Adams Media.

Forward, S. P., & Torres, J. (1987). Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them. New York: Bantum Books.

Campbell, M., Henley, D., & Souther, J. (Composers). (1990). The Heart of the Matter. [D. Henley, Performer] On The End of the Innocence. M. Campbell, D. Henley, & D. Kortchmar.

McCoy, D. (2006). The Manipulative Man. Avon: Adams Media.

Roth, G. (1991). When Food is Love. New York: Penguin Group.

Roth, G. (2004). Breaking Free from Emotional Eating. New York: Penguin Group.

Rovers, M. (2005). Healing the Wounds in Couple Relationships. Toronto: Novalis Publishing Inc. .

Townsend, J. (2011). Beyond Boundaries. Grand Rapids: Zondervan.

*Paper Title in reference to “The Sweetest Thing” by U2, 1998.

Across the world, there are both men and women suffering from verbal abuse. The sufferers are living through repeated emotional blows while existing in continual fear and having daily to psychologically recover from the pain. Life for those living in verbally abusive relationships becomes a blur between reality and unreality as the person they are in a relationship with acts one way in public and an entirely different way in private. Often they choose to disregard the abuse because they are fearful of the implications that may arise but the abuse cannot remain ignored. Survival and recovery is attainable. Verbal abuse does not annul a person’s meaning and purpose, in turn, it strengthens and builds the person’s ability to commit and foster loving relationships.

Over the past few years, I repeatedly joked with my parents about who I expected my ideal man to be. I wanted him to be 6’4”, with brown hair and muscular arms; I desired him to be musically talented, out-going and humorous; I hoped for him to be drop-dead gorgeous. My parents continually humored me for having unrealistic standards and my friends tended to tell me I was ‘too picky’. However, I relentlessly believed my ideal man existed and that I would meet him and because of this I firmly held my own when ridiculed about my foolish expectations. So, when the day came that my good friend told me that he wanted to set me up on a blind date, I didn’t hesitate to accept because I thought: “This might be the guy!” To my surprise, He was – down to the tiniest detail – exactly what I wanted.

Meeting Him for the first time was both terrifying and exciting because I have never before met anyone in my life that I felt such a strong attraction for. Attraction being “the cornerstone for all relationships [and the] motivation to form a relationship” and it was instantaneous between us (Oliveira, C.M.). We began to see each other as frequently as possible and incessantly flirted while beginning to self-disclose our thoughts, opinions and attitudes; in other words, we began to integrate (Knapp and Vangelisti 41). Soon our social circles merged and the two of us began to be known as a package. We were beginning to become a unity and we happily displayed our oneness. Therefore, I was not in the least bit surprised, when He surprised me with a weekend trip to Seattle in which we both decided that we were attracted enough to one another to enter into an exclusive and committed relationship.

The process of deciding to commit was quick and simple: we both verbally disclosed what we expected from one another and agreed that we would be exclusive, faithful and trustworthy. We formed a verbal contract and consequently entered into a contractual relationship that was “motivated by our needs, personal wants, and personal happiness” (Strom 7). However, I was unaware at this time that to Him a contractual relationship meant: “my happiness”; whereas to me it meant: “our happiness.” Right from the very beginning, of our newly formed relationship, the costs and benefits began to be unequal and our communication took a drastic turn into verbal abuse.

After only two months of being together I began to notice subtle differences in the way He was speaking to me. Around friends and in public areas he was charming and sweet; often showering me with compliments and affection but behind closed doors, where Patricia Evans states verbal abuse begins, he was critical and mean (17). He, without any warrant, began to criticize my intelligence and often called me naïve, irresponsible and immature. I became frustrated and not being the type of person to keep quiet, I voiced my objections to him for treating me in a demeaning manner; as a child I experienced verbal abuse from my brother and vowed to never put up with verbal abuse again. Unfortunately, at the time, I was weak when it came to His displays of affection because of my great desire to be with him. My desire over ruled my worries and I allowed him to control and manipulate me into staying in the relationship (Evans 39). To win me back all He would have to do was trivialize what I “have done or expressed [as] insignificant” (Evans 95). I began to believe that I was the problem in the relationship and slowly began to accept the verbal abuse.

Over time our relationship turned into a struggle of control versus intimacy. Whenever I voiced my feelings in the hopes of receiving empathy from him, “[he refused] to discuss a problem [and prevented] all possibility of resolution (Evans 45). Through his blatant disregard of my emotions he was able to keep me precisely where he wanted: coming back to him whenever he showed me the amount of intimacy I craved. He “disarmed [me] with his words, and controlled [me] with his presence” (Hare 21). Objectively speaking, I must have appeared completely infatuated and in awe of him but it was more fear and weariness that compelled my amiable and consenting behavior. When he slowly began to loose verbal self-control in public and in front of our friends, he not only controlled me in private, but also in public.

The public verbal abuse began when we were enjoying time with our mutual friends and the topic of music was brought up. Since I have studied classical repertoire for over 16 years, I am knowledgeable in the subject of music and music theory. So, when He made an incorrect statement regarding musical key signatures, I was happy to offer him the correct information. This sent him over the edge. In front of our friends he countered my correction and told me I was stupid and incorrect. As Patricia Evans points out, often when verbal abusers feel they are losing control and dominance they argue against their partners’: “thoughts… perceptions… [and] experience” (Evans 95). He tried to assert his control by publicly discrediting me but instead showed that he lacked the self-control that Plato states: “[is] our rational capacity to rule our emotions in order to do the right thing” (qtd. in Strom 3). After verbally mistreating me, He stormed out of the room and I meekly looked at my friends for support. Instead of concurring with me that his behavior was wrong, they simply stated: “That’s Just Him”. I was left confused and began once again to question myself if whether or not it was me with the issues.

Beginning to think of myself as the issue led me to thinking that perhaps I needed to better understand him; maybe if I understood him better and he, me, that we would be happier (Evans 61). I began opening myself up to him more. I self-disclosed in the hope that our relationship would develop on a more emotionally intimate level (Knapp and Vangelisti 260). I was worried that the relationship may turn into strictly a physical one leaving between us only infatuation and no intimacy and commitment (Knapp and Vangelisti 219). Nevertheless, the more I opened up, the less I heard from him and soon I came to the realization that I would gain no intimacy with him because he was not empathetic towards me nor the experiences I lived through (Evans 82). Even more so was that I began to recognize a pattern: if He needed something from me, he would be affectionate and kind to me but, when he did not receive what he wanted, he once again was patronizing and dismissive. Stubbornly, I still convinced myself that it was I who was hindering the growth of the relationship and I began to seek ways in which to help us grow intimately.

My first step of action was introducing Him to my parents. I thought that if I allowed him to meet my parents and to enter into our home he might feel more secure about the relationship and therefore open up to me more. Nervously, I waited with my parents for him to show up and after the initial awkward greeting, the dinner and conversation was a success. Both of my parents enjoyed his company but surprisingly, my father said: “Something feels wrong here, I just can’t put my finger on it.” His statement sent shock waves through me. I finally breathed a sigh of relief thinking that perhaps it really wasn’t me with the problems but maybe He really was a
‘little off’; maybe I wasn’t imagining the verbal abuse I was quietly tolerating. Rippling through me was a revelation that this relationship may actually be on a foundation of abuse (Evans 149). I made a quiet promise to myself that I would stop looking at the relationship in an emotional manner but allow myself to step outside and gaze inwards objectively.

Sitting down one evening I took out a piece of paper and began to evaluate my relationship with Him. After writing out my feelings and seeing everything written on paper, it was enough to convince me that the relationship I was in was unhealthy. First, I was the only one self-disclosing my thoughts and experiences. Second, it was entirely my effort to set up dates and trips. Third, he never accommodated to my schedule or my needs. Lastly, he was verbally abusing me. It felt as if someone had brought me back to reality; He constantly patronized my intelligence, criticized my looks and through manipulation controlled me to do what he wished. As other sufferers of verbal abuse, I came to the realization I was not loved, only controlled (Evans 153). I was heart-broken. I was very angry; the promise I made to myself, about not allowing to be verbally abused ever again, was broken. In one-way or the other, I decided I needed to gain the upper hand in the relationship. I would not allow this verbal abuse to continue and allow Him the satisfaction of controlling me.

Throughout the next month I studied Him objectively and out of fear and unknowing of how weak his self-control was withheld from terminating the relationship. Slowly but surely, the blindfold of emotion began to slip away and I was seeing Him for who he clearly was. I began to notice inconsistencies in his stories and realized that he contradicted himself often. His ability to lie was horrifyingly strong and I caught him numerous times lying to our friends and me. Even more baffling was that he had some inherent skill to tell who would fall for his lies. As Dr. Robert Hare states in his book: “A good liar is a good judge of people”, and He was an excellent judge of people (Hare 111). He always knew just the right amount of charm and flattery to bestow upon someone new he was meeting and was capable of seducing anyone into doing his will. The language he used was strongly egocentric; when he spoke his sentences always began with “I”, and every topic in one way or the other he was able to steer towards how great he believed himself to be and what a privilege it was to be in his presence. What alarmed me most, however, was his ability to manipulate me through verbal abuse and I began to grow very suspicious of what his motivations were for keeping me in a relationship with him.

I ignored my parents’ and friends’ opinions on how great they all thought He was because I had a gut feeling something was terribly wrong. The verbal abuse had to stop because I began to loose self-confidence and was obsessively trying to uncover what was wrong with me (Evans 67). As miserable as the thought of loosing my seemingly ‘ideal’ man made me, I prayed and managed to garner the courage to confront him. It is still hard for me, after terminating the relationship three months ago, to believe that I discovered He was cheating on me. The night I confronted him with the knowledge of knowing his infidelity, he called me an idiot and told me that it was none of my business with whom he slept with. I felt utterly betrayed and furious with him and could not comprehend why he was seemingly “unflappable even after his deceit was revealed”; it was as if I stated a fact to him and he had no emotional reaction to it, only empty abusive words to direct towards me (Hare 14). Our contractual relationship was nothing more to him than a business deal – if that – gone wrong.

Unsurprisingly, I was left to answer the question: “Why?” While working my way through the initial shock and anger I was supported by my family and friends and told that it was not, in any way, my fault. Over time I reconciled with myself that indeed I had done nothing wrong; He was the one who broke our commitments and turned a healthy relationship into a verbally abusive one. I found within myself a new sense of courage and strength. Humility allowed me to seek God for support and forgiveness in any of the wrong I may have caused Him and allowed me to realize that His pride hindered him from the ability “to admit fault, to ask forgiveness, or for that matter, offer forgiveness”; it was not me left empty, but him (Strom 3). Unless, as Patricia Evans says: “he actively seeks personal change through hard work of therapy, he will to some degree, have lived a nonlife… This is his own great personal tragedy” (Evans 172). It is not me who is broken, it is Him who is broken and will never experience what Knapp and Vangelisti call consummate love: a love of intimacy, passion and commitment (221). Surviving the verbal abuse left me more aware of myself and with a stronger sense of what my life’s meaning and purpose is.

I would lie if I said that I did not try to struggle my way through finding a reason as to why I suffered the abuse I had. I went through the emotions of overwhelming sadness and immense rage at Him that he had the audacity to treat me the way he did. Until one day, when I was visiting my local bookstore, Chapters, I came across a book entitled Man’s Search for Meaning. It is a book written by Dr. Viktor Frankl, a Jewish neurologist and psychiatrist that had survived the Holocaust. Upon reading this book I found a meaning to my life again. If Dr. Frankl, a man who survived not only verbal but physical abuse in a concentration camp was able to live a life full of love, then I was capable of this also. For one thing that I had and He did not was the ability to love. For, “the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart [is]: The salvation of man is through love and in love”, through the ability of loving others we give not only our life but also their life a meaning (Frankl 37). Verbal abuse and its inner hatred cannot define a person’s life; it is not inescapable and it cannot hinder a person’s meaning and capability to love.

Sources:

1. Evans, Patricia. (2010). The Verbally Abusive Relationship (3rd ed.). Avon, MA: Adams Media

2. Frankl, Victor. (1997). Man’s Search for Meaning. New York, NY: Pocket Books

3. Hare, Robert D. (1999). Without Conscience. New York, NY: The Guildford Press

4. Knapp, M. L. & Vangelisti, A.L. (2008). Interpersonal Communication & Human Relationships. Boston, MA: Allyn & Bacon

5. Oliveria, Carrie M. (2009). Interpersonal Communication. East Tennessee University. Podcast received from: iTunesU

6. Strom, B. (2010). Relating Redemptively: How Self-Control, Humility, Work, Faithfulness and Wisdom Renew Our Relationships. Langley, BC: Trinity Western University. Unpublished book manuscript.

7. Strom, B. (2011). Contractualism, Commitalism, and Covenantalism: Worldviews for Human Relating. Langley, BC: Trinity Western University. Unpublished book manuscript.

So, what was my vulnerability?  I was a child.

I was born into a lovely family; however, within that family there was someone who created a place where a monster could run riot around the mind, soul and body of myself, my siblings and my mother.

As a child and into my teenage years I was systematically sexually, physically and psychologically abused by one main perpetrator and also a network of other men.  The abuse was a weapon and tool – it kept me silent for many years and separated me from myself and from all around me.

So, clever was the abuse that when I “came out” as a survivor the shock was huge for my family, although now we can all see patterns and can make sense of what were odd fragments of the past.

I “came out” as a victim of abuse in 2009. I had a very severe mental breakdown – I was incapacitated with Depression and Anxiety and spent 18 months being actively suicidal.  Why then? Why not ten years earlier or ten years later?  Our bodies and our souls all have a time but it doesn’t always make sense. For me, my timing came when I was finally safe – thousands of miles away from the abuse and abusers – and so my psyche was free to break apart and to reveal the past that it had kept buried away.

I survived at a cost, yes, but I survived.

Like a waterfall, the images, memories, and realizations of the abuse and its extent came to me.  The force of the information spilling out was utterly terrifying; my mind and body suffered immense pressure and released it in the form of seizures and unconscious dissociations.  I tried to control it with massive weight loss, which developed into a severe eating disorder that nearly killed me. My long years of self harm became a daily obsessive mess of which I now bare the life long scars – but one day I will learn to see them as scars of a warrior.

I was also inappropriate with money; I needed to be soothed and I reached out to anything I could.  Life was a living hell. My husband describes me in the worst of those days as “being haunted”, and I was.  I barely lived in this world.  Why had my life come to this?  Many years earlier my body, mind and soul experienced terror and torture but it lacked the adult capacity to understand and so it did what every child does – focused on merely surviving. And survive I did, but in the end all the surviving became too much for my damaged, tender, delicate psyche to handle, and I needed to be loved back to health.

So much of this journey I cannot comprehend, from the worst things to the unexpected and beautiful healing moments.

Painfully and Joyfully, much mystery of spirit surrounds all of this, the mystery of “Why me?” but also the mystery of how I was at last drawn to a safe place and put back together. 

There are so many mysteries and parodies that suggest to me that within the unknown, bemusing, utter incomprehensible hell that is sexual abuse and recovery there is also many miracles. As I write this I realize that two years ago I couldn’t have written it.  As I think over this I know that four years ago I was spiraling downwards rapidly into something huge and unrecognizable.  But equally now I hold down a full-time job, juggle the family, spend time with my husband and friends – I am beyond surviving: I am a survivor.

Yes, there are days when it’s tough, horrible, agony and I am still “doing the work” within a therapeutic context and within the context of self-care; however, I am now on a road where I am developing a healthy relationship with myself. Now my family, friends and strangers all have a chance to know Me – not the person that someone else tried to create through their abuse.

I refer often to this being ‘my journey with love’; this has a dual meaning: for within the journey I am on this journey to be at peace with my sexual abuse, abusers, my past, my life and my body, and ultimately to be in love with myself and I am on this journey to share that love with you. 

A poem by the Theologian and mystic George Herbert  (1592-1632) gives the name LOVE to GOD, and so I offer this to you, as I believe that what I have been given is to be passed on to others with love.

No one chooses to be abused, but you can choose to be a survivor and to be YOU – the true You who is not defined by any type of abuse or abuser. 

With Love xxx

Love bade me welcome, yet my soul drew back,

Guilty of dust and sin.

But quick-ey’d Love, observing me grow slack

From my first entrance in,

Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning

If I lack’d anything.

“A guest,” I answer’d, “worthy to be here”;

Love said, “You shall be he.”

“I, the unkind, the ungrateful? ah my dear,

I cannot look on thee.”

Love took my hand and smiling did reply,

“Who made the eyes but I?”

“Truth, Lord, but I have marr’d them; let my shame

Go where it doth deserve.”

“And know you not,” says Love, “who bore the blame?”

“My dear, then I will serve.”

“You must sit down,” says Love, “and taste my meat.”

So I did sit and eat.

George Herbert

About Ruth Greenaway-Robbins: I am a Mommy of two beautiful children, a wife to a very patient husband, a carer to my two hounds and two cats. I am by profession a musician, a singer, teacher, performer in many fields and genres – I am very lucky… One day I hope to find a balance in my life … who doesn’t? I’m blogging because I have been asked to and I am at a place where I (the performing introvert) want to share. I am no hockey Mom, I don’t bake and sometimes I find it hard but I wouldn’t be without my two little dears. I love being married, I found a wonderful Man and married him, but I admit married life is a blessing and a challenge. I am apparently still young (in my 30′s) and I am well just me … And this blog is about my journey with no known destination, feel free to join me. I offer it with love.”

Read more about Ruth on her blog My Journey With Love – “A site about the journey of recovery and acceptance of Sexual Abuse, Mental Health issues, Self Harm, and Eating Disorders …this blog is about my journey with no known destination, feel free to join me. I offer it with love.” (myjourneywithlove.wordpress.com).

**disclaimer: I have never been victim to physical abuse, so I am not sure if this relates to situations of physical abuse and I don’t want to claim that it does. This is just my story and how I feel about the situation and the actions I am going to take to overcome it. **

Part 1: Meeting – the cycle begins

I met him this time last year. The connection was instant. Things moved  quickly for a couple of weeks, and then he disappeared.

**Let me clarify what I mean by ‘disappeared’ – in this story, disappearing involves a complete lack of initiation on his part to see me (opposite of his frequent initiating when he is ‘around’) and, sometimes, a complete ignoring of me by phone and/or in person.**

He came back a couple weeks later, only to disappear again. Then he got a girlfriend. Then he came back around again for a bit, only to disappear again (later I would find out this was because he realized hanging out with me wasn’t ‘fair’ to his girlfriend based on his feelings towards me). I cut ties after that and tried to move on. About a month later (having broken up with his girlfriend just days earlier) he came up to me in the mall and he was back again.

Things didn’t work out with her, He told me, all they did was fight – she was crazy, she was psychotic – he has a new outlook on life, he’s going to be more social, he wants to spend time with me… And, like usual, he was everywhere all at once and things moved at a rapid pace, and then (you guessed it), he disappeared – but only after he blamed me for the feelings I’d developed towards him and my hurt over the way he’d treated me, and then stormed out of Starbucks, leaving me sitting at the table alone.

His exact words: “The way my actions make you feel is your fault and not mine.”

I moved on. This time it would take two months before he would come back.

He messaged me out-of-the-blue -  he was thinking of me and wanted to hang out – I said yes. He wondered if we could be friends again, he defended his actions and got angry if I questioned them. I still said yes – only this time I set boundaries, mainly that it would not go beyond ‘just friends’ in romantic terms OR physical terms.

He hung around for awhile, then I wouldn’t hear from him. Then we’d go on a road trip and get really close again, then I wouldn’t hear from him…this pattern persisted all summer until one time he stood me up three times in a row. After this I was done for good. I didn’t say it, but I knew it.

At least I thought so…

Two months later he came back around. He felt bad about some of the ways he perceived situations and people and some of the ideas he ‘d had about life. And he wanted to spend time with me. (note: there was no actual apology). This time, however, he had bigger intentions – he expressed his feelings and pursued something far beyond friendship. Things moved rapidly, and for a couple weeks I was on Cloud 9, and then (now sounding like a broken record) he disappeared. And the ironic thing – I was surprised.

Part 2: Walking away

I decided I was done. Clearly he had issues he had to sort out and the best thing would be to leave him to sort them out and then he could come back (as he always does). In the past I’d never actually told him when I was walking away, but this time I decided I should – partly because I knew he’d come back and ask to be friends and I knew that wasn’t something I could do, and partly because I hoped that actually seeing me walk away may just shake him up enough to force him to deal with his issues – I was, after all, THE GIRL – the girl he always came back for.

I’d decided if (like in the past) he got angry with me, this time I would be the one to walk away and leave him sitting alone. I had my keys in my hand and my sunglasses on and yet he still  beat me to it. I was mid-sentence, and he got up and left – unwilling to grant me the satisfaction of walking away; he needed that power.

I walked in with a clear plan – I had decided what I want and how I deserve to be treated and I was going to break this cycle. I felt so empowered.

I walked out thinking it was all my fault and feeling broken and confused.

Part 3: Discovering the truth

I met with a friend who knew more than I could ever know about the entire situation. This is when I found out that I am, in fact, not special. He has been ‘going back’ to multiple girls for years now. The cycle he’s used with me over the past year, he’s done with multiple girls for an even longer amount of time. And the girls always overlap – even now, when I sat down to talk with him, he told me he was ‘over it’ and besides, he’d met somebody else.

It isn’t about the girls with him; it’s about a need to not be alone and a need to ‘get his fix’ and then walk away, not in a ‘womanizer’ sense, but in a desperately lonely and lost sense.

I knew my friend was telling the truth.

I have been sucked into a vortex of evil, and I need to run.

But I can’t.

Part 4: Knowing the truth, and not caring

They say hindsight is 20/20. And now as I reflect back on the last year I begin to realize the realities of my relationship with Him. As I was talking to my friend, arguing that surely He wasn’t that bad, after all, this was the guy who calls me ‘champ’! My friend replied, “what else does he call you?” I said I wasn’t sure what he meant. My friend started a list: “He called you controlling, right? and manipulative? and he said f*ck you?” I nodded. “And what else?” my friend asked. I replied: “obsessive, neurotic, OCD, crazy, a self-help book…”

I began realizing that not only had He said all these things to me consistently for the last year (whether disguised as playful ‘mocking’ or ‘in your best interest’ or in the context of an argument), but he also never said anything to build me up.

I reflected back on every argument that I’d had with Him or conversation after a fight – and each time I left believing  it was my fault and that He had done nothing wrong. Every. Single. Time.

He is a master of twisting things to the point where I don’t know my left from my right.

As the manipulative abuse I’ve been victim to is becoming so clear to me, and all the things I’d never noticed are becoming evident, I have come to the most frightening of realizations – I don’t care. I just want him back.

This reality petrifies me. Not only because I now realize what He is capable of (which goes far beyond what I’ve been able to describe in this post) but also because I know he is coming back. He always does. And I can’t say no.

Part 5: A shocking comparison

I’ve spent a lot of time talking to friends the last few days. I sit quietly as they tell me I need to run, I need to walk away, change my number, block Him from Facebook – do whatever it takes. And I know they are right. But I also know that if he came around tomorrow, I’d say yes.

“I don’t want to say no,” I told a friend, “but I want to want to say no.”

And then it hit me, the last time I used that language was a year and a half ago, when I sat across from friends and family, begging me to stop starving myself and I replied “I don’t want to stop, but I want to want to stop.”

I never thought I would use that language again, but, more importantly, I never thought THAT would manifest itself in the form of a guy.

Part 6: Realizing it’s not about the guy

It’s not about the guy. In the same way that a year and a half ago it wasn’t about the food. I am addicted (for lack of a better word) to this cycle, to being treated this way. And in the same way that scheduling in meals wouldn’t have solved the core issue back then, walking away from the guy won’t stop the pattern now. Because He will always come back, and even if He doesn’t (or I say no to Him) there will always be another guy who is ready to treat me this way.

I need to sort out the issue as to why I want to stay and not run, why I still need validation from him. Then, and only then, will I find the strength to say NO. Not just to Him, but to any others who come my way.

Part 7: Some final thoughts – I understand

I understand why you want to stay in this. I understand why you want to stay with him, or why you can’t run away from him. You are not alone. And you are not stupid. When someone hits you and leaves you with a bruise, or cheats on you, or blatantly lies and gets found out, it is black & white. But when someone feeds you lies consistently over a period of time, it’s impossible to separate the lies from the truth.

And this is why I am so afraid of him coming back – because how will I be able to see the truth? Even with blood on his hands he still lied and I still believed him. But what scares me more than him coming back, is if he doesn’t come back. Because somehow I still need that validation. And it’s stupid.

But that doesn’t mean I am stupid.

As Rihanna says in her song “Stupid in Love” (regarding her abusive relationship with Chris Brown) “This is stupid, I’m not stupid.” – THIS – the situation – is stupid, but I don’t have to label myself as stupid.

I need to realize that I cannot help him and I cannot save him. I can love him, and I can forgive him – but that has to be done at a distance. And by a distance I don’t mean still texting, still connecting on Facebook, I mean a complete, no-contact distance.

And I feel like I am dooming him to his brokenness. Like I am abandoning him. But I’m not. And I need to keep my distance because people who are hurting that deeply love to see others hurt. It’s a fact.

You don’t walk up to a wounded animal – why? Because it will attack.

I walked up to someone who was wounded and tried to pet Him and I got bit – over and over again.

It’s time to walk away.

And I am making the decision, just as I did a year and a half ago, that I will not back down until I am over this. Until I am fully prepared to say no to Him and any other guy who will put me in this situation.

And just like recovery, it will be a process – it won’t happen overnight, but I know I can do it, and you can too.

I hope you will try…

♥  Lauren Bersaglio

If you would like to watch the video I filmed discussing this issue more in-depth, Click Here

To listen to Rihanna’s song “Stupid in Love”, Click Here

Below I’ve inserted a video of Rihanna’s interview on 20/20 about her relationship with Chris Brown. The reason I wanted to share this was for those of you whose situation may involve physical abuse – she has some valuable things to say about this (and any other abusive relationship) and I encourage you to watch it.

(this is part 1, but you will easily be directed to the remaining parts at the end of the video).